tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC August 16, 2014 12:36am-1:38am EDT
featuring the 8g band. ♪ and now, here he is, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening! i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everyone doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] great to hear. great to hear. we have something in common because i'm doing very, very well also. so we have that in common. [ laughter ] you guys, today marks the last day before congress' summer recess. they're taking five weeks off. five weeks. [ cheers and applause ] i hope they can get used to doing nothing. [ laughter ] what are you going to do for the recess? my kids want to go to the water
park, but i'm going to try and block it. [ laughter and applause ] try to shut that down, you know? i like this news, supreme court justice ruth bader ginsburg told reporters that despite her age, she does not plan on retiring and is likely to remain on the court for a while. after which, she was immediately traded to the new york knicks. [ cheers and applause ] how are your knees? my knees are bad. i'm an old woman. we think there's a place for you on the new york knicks. [ laughter ] did you guys see the premier of "sharknado 2" last night? [ cheers and applause ] i feel pretty lame. i missed it because i was busy kissing a girl. [ laughter ] that's right. "sharknado 2" is airing this week on the syfy network all this week. if you didn't see the first one, don't worry, you can get all
caught up by reading the title. [ laughter ] not a lot of deep back story where did we last leave sharknado? this is just amazing. amazing. it was reported that kim kardashian's cell phone game, "kim kardashian hollywood" makes over $700,000 a day. [ audience ohs ] i think it might be time to stop putting her down and start putting her in charge of the economy. that's amazing. [ cheers and applause ] apologies for this. a little bit of a sad story. a chinese farmer lost 170 of his prized pigs when lightning struck his barn while he was feeding them. though on the bright side, instant bacon. [ laughter ] and who doesn't love bacon? other than jews and muslims.
[ laughter ] all right, plenty of people don't like bacon now that i'm thinking about it. it's a tragedy, now i take it back. it's bad that that happened. [ laughter ] i hadn't thought it through. i thought it was good news for everybody. and now i realize a good portion of the population -- a large portion of it probably just thought that was a tragedy, and here i am talking about bacon. you can just get it at the store, you don't need pigs to get hit by lightening in the barn. [ laughter ] just go to the store. just go to the store. because pigs, smarter than dogs. but no one's smarter than lightening. [ laughter ] you can't outsmart lightning. and if there's anything i want you to take home from today is that. no one is smarter than lightning. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] closest -- closest you can come is ben franklin. but even he's just a little bit less smart. i thought this is interesting. a u.k.-based sex toy company has unveiled the guy-brator, the
world's first male vibrator. here's how it works. the company -- goes out of business. [ laughter ] so sorry to give you the bad news that i'm letting you all go. sorrier still that you'll have to put guy-brator on your resume. [ laughter ] another crazy story. a woman in new mexico pulled a gun on a comcast technician because she didn't want to pay her cable bill. wow. that woman doesn't need hbo. she is hbo. [ laughter and applause ] that's hbo. a little true crime news. a pennsylvania man could face up to five years in jail for throwing a spider at a police officer. but he's hoping his prison sentence will be itsy bitsy. [ laughter and applause ]
that was an intellectual joke for intellectuals. [ laughter ] it's a very smart joke. if you didn't get that joke, find someone who went to harvard, or a local scholar and explain it to them and they'll tell you what it all meant. it was a very high brow joke. this is great. earlier this month, a british man was arrested after a usb drive fell out of his buttocks while he was being frisked by police. but in his defense, most people insert those wrong on the first try. [ laughter and applause ] i know i do. give the guy a break. [ cheers and applause ] it's the easiest way to get all your stuff up your butt. [ laughter ] listen to this. a tennessee woman was denied her vanity license plate request after dmv officials interpreted
"i love tofu" as "i love to f-u." [ laughter ] [ applause ] it's true. once she explained to them that it said "i love tofu," the dmv said, "that's even more disgusting. [ laughter ] you get out of this dmv. and f-u." [ laughter ] and now, very exciting. now four jokes about the fact that it's national orgasm day. [ cheers and applause ] today, july 31st is national orgasm day. and it's a real holiday. i'm pretty sure i could tell if it was fake. [ laughter ] so today is national orgasm day, or as it's called in my bedroom, july 31st. [ laughter ] today, july 31st is national
orgasm day. it's expected that most people will celebrate by themselves. [ laughter and applause ] and finally, today is national orgasm day. i'm actually having a party to celebrate it, but i don't think anyone's gonna come. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, this right here is the 8g band! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: how we doing, 8g band? i feel bad. i only told four national orgasm day jokes and there are five of you. i feel like one of you didn't get a joke, and so we'll have a fifth one for you over the weekend, so -- [ light laughter ] hey, we had some exciting news we should have mentioned yesterday, which is nbc just
cast their new live musical. they did "sound of music" last year and this year they're doing "peter pan." [ cheers and applause ] yes, it's very exciting. some very exciting casting news, christopher walken is paying captain hook, which is great. we're big fans. but also friend of the show, allison williams is playing peter pan. we're so exciting for her. her father, brian williams, both an nbc, part of the family and also friend of the show. so we're so happy for the williams family and the walken family. and people who love "peter pan." [ laughter ] good time for all the people. i'm looking forward to the weekend. i'm spending it with both my family and my wife's family. we're spending the weekend with both families. the last time we did that was our wedding last summer, and we're very lucky. i like my wife's parents very much. she likes my parents. the parents like each other. it's great. last summer, the wedding was great. the first time they met each other wasn't the best weekend for me. it was about three years ago.
we got together at a holiday weekend at the beach to have this vacation. and the thing was, because we got both families together for the first time and my wife and i had been dating for a long time at that point, what i realized later was some of the people there thought the reason we got them together was so that i could propose. and when i say some of the people, i mean every single person except this person. [ laughter ] and i am so -- my lack of awareness, you can not underestimate how much i can get in my own head. like, just spend time in my own little world. like, i would walk downstairs and everybody would just turn around and look at me every time i entered the room and i'd think, "well, everyone here must be big snl fans -- [ laughter ] -- because i'm receiving a lot of attention this weekend." and everyone in the town had knew about it. the expectation was so -- i had no idea. people would see me and say, "so, big plans this weekend?" [ laughter ] and i would just respond like, "yeah, we're going to be beach. do some grilling."
a bird would fly by and i would get distracted and walk away. [ laughter ] so it's great. that's why i'm so looking forward to this weekend because now that we're married, she can't be disappointed. because, and i think this is great, married people will attest to this and single people don't know this, but once you get married, you can no longer disappoint your spouse. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] so i'm looking forward to the weekend. it's a really great time. also a great time, tonight's show. we have a good one for you tonight. from the new film "boyhood" ethan hawke is here. [ cheers and applause ] this movie, no lie. this movie is like nothing i've ever seen. i cannot wait to talk to him about it. she's the anchor of "the kelly file" on fox news, megyn kally -- megyn kelly. megyn kally? megyn kelly will be stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] i got so excited i completely -- from "the kelly file"
megyn kally. [ laughter ] well done. also, so excited about this, from "saturday night live" and "the awesomes," my good friend and comedy writing legend, paula pell is with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] now that we've talked about everyone who's with us, not with us this evening, fred armisen. fred is in portland. he's working on "portlandia." we're all disappointed about it. he's in portland working on "portlandia" season five. but we have found a way to keep fred involved in a segment that we have been calling "fredex." we receive no money from fedex, i need to stress this. this is not a promotion. this is just an idea we came up with and forgot to ask them for money before we did it. [ laughter ] so to recap the way it works, on tuesday we sent fred a package with three costume props and a question in a sealed envelope. the idea is that fred, who is one of the best in the world of all time creating characters will put on these props, create a character and then answer the question that will be asked of
him by someone off camera. here's this week's video of fredex. >> fred: hi, i'm fred. i'm up in portland, oregon, right now, shooting "portlandia." wish we could be there, but here we are doing fredex. i love this company so much that i actually sometimes send empty boxes to myself, just to support the company. [ laughter ] i'm just such a fan. so everyone in the audience, what are your names? oh, that's cool. [ laughter ] there's a hat here that says, "back and front." there's a thing --there's this little rag. someone had their fingers on these glasses. what's the rule about glasses? always what? [ laughter ] always try to make sure your fingers aren't anywhere close to either of the what? lenses. [ laughter ]
oh, boy. [ laughter ] i'm your mother, and i'm here to advise you. i'm here to guide you through life. now, the common saying is your mother is always right. well, guess what, mother isn't always right. i'm learning as i go, too. for example, these earrings. i'm learning that these are really, really -- these can be used as weapons. [ laughter ] bash into my neck. >> cats or dogs? >> the question was cats or dogs? and no! they do not go in the house! you do not leave the door open and have them wandering in. [ laughter ] and i clean for you to have a -- i don't even know their names. jumping up on the counter. oh, and i'm supposed to clean up after these animals?
you know, has it ever occurred to you that it costs money to buy kitty litter? doggy litter? [ laughter ] what do you think this is? one after the other. that little baby one, the grown one. you know, for once, you know what i'd really like? i'd like you to ask me, "mom, is there an animal that you want?" [ laughter ] but no, that's something you don't do. look, i say this to you with care. please, neither is the answer. thank you. and call me at 646-572-[ bleep ] [ laughter ] i'm gonna hold on this smile for a while. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: thank you, fred. we miss you. we'll be right back with more "late night" after this. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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get started with an american express serve account today. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: welcome back, everyone. here at "late night" we have a team of loyal researcher, statisticians and pollsters, all of whom practice scientology, but aren't in your face about it so who cares. it's america. [ laughter ] we're free to practice any religion we want.
and they helped us bring a little segment we call "this week in numbers." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: let's get started. 2 million -- the total number of strikeouts recorded in history of major league baseball as of tuesday night. also 2 million, the number of strikeouts recorded at this week's comic-con. [ laughter and applause ] 100 -- the number of dollars per year you'll have to pay to subscribe to sarah palin's new online news channel. zero -- the number of dollars you'd have to pay to listen to the same information on the subway. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] four -- the percent of american economy grew in the second quarter. 40 -- the percent americans grew in the second quarter. one -- the number of lamborghinis repossessed from singer sean kingston after not making payments for over six months.
six -- the number of months you can apparently own a lamborghini for free. [ laughter and applause ] free lambroghini. 24 -- the number of hours in a day. seven -- the numbers of days in a week. 365 -- the number of days in a year. zero -- the number of people who sound cool when they use the phrase 24/7/365. [ laughter and applause ] 45 -- the age drew brees says he wants to be when he stops playing. 48 -- the age george blanda, the oldest player in the history of the nfl was when he stopped playing. 53 -- the age george clooney was when he finally stopped playing. [ laughter and applause ] 10 -- the number of commandments there are. one -- the number of them that should say, thou shalt not jog in place at traffic lights because it makes thou look stupid.
[ laughter and applause ] thou looks stupid. 10 -- the number of times a south carolina man claims to have been struck by lightning. 100 -- the percentage of that man's friends who suddenly say "i have to go," whenever it gets cloudily. [ applause ] and finally, 80 -- the number of shows we've done. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. 78 -- the number of shows my stand-in mitch has done for me. thank you, mitch. [ laughter and applause ] can't even tell the difference. that was "this week in numbers." tonight is my second show. we'll be right back with ethan hawke. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's surprising what your mouth goes through in a day. but what's even more surprising is that brushing alone isn't
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samantha. how was your week? uh, i don't know, dad, it was kind of tough. billy and ellen broke up and ellen is kinda mad at me because she saw me talking to billy in the cafeteria. and you remember that sculpture i was working on? well, it was a unicorn, and the horn broke off, so no it's a zebra, okay. but i still think i'm going to get an a. right, mason, how was your week? well, dad, you know it was kind of tough. joey is kind of a jerk. actually, he stole some cigarettes from his mom and he wanted me to smoke them. but i said no because i knew what a hard time you had quitting smoking, dad. how about that, is that so hard? >> seth: please welcome ethan hawke. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> good. how are you? >> seth: i'm great. >> this is your 80th show? >> seth: this is our, 80th show. >> 80 shows. >> seth: it happened so fast. it just went by so fast. >> you're already a legend. >> seth: i'm -- exactly. thank you. thank you for being the first person to say it. [ laughter ] >> not the last. >> seth: this movie is incredible.
everyone is talking about it. it's so unique in how it was made. you shot it over 12 years with the same cast. we watched the young actor go from 8, i'm sorry, 5 to 18 over the course of 12 years. >> right. yeah. >> seth: how did richard linkleiter approach you about this idea? like, how do you even get pitched this? >> well, it was over coffee. and he said he had this idea about making a movie about childhood and what if we instead of trying to make one moment the whole movie, what if we just made a lot of moments. and, it took 12 years, and we did a few days a year for over a decade. and i was thinking well, a, i couldn't believe some crazy russian or german director hadn't already had done that. >> seth: right. >> seemed like something some czech guy would do in 1963. >> seth: right, right. [ laughter ] oh yeah, "das clump" >> very important film. formed the person i am today. [ laughter ] it seemed like -- it was such a simple idea. and the truth is all it really took was patience.
>> seth: right. >> i mean, you know, it doesn't take a genius. >> seth: it's like you guys were putting a little bit of movie in the bank every year. like, you were saving up for a movie. it's so great. >> i haven't heard it phrased that way, but i like it. >> seth: was there a script? how do you? >> well, rick had this theory. richard linkleiter is the director of the film. and he had this theory that we all kind of get dragged through our parents lives. there really is no script to your childhood. you just kind of wing it as you get dragged along. so patricia arquette plays the mother, and i play the father. and what we did is we mapped out their lives. it was a cool opportunity for us to do a portrait of fatherhood and motherhood. over time. but the kids, it was more kind of open. you know, one year that were super into harry potter and we talked about harry potter. and if they were really into baseball, we talked about baseball. >> seth: that's so great. and did you have to keep this a secret from people? like, how did that work? >> it was a secret, but i tried to tell everyone i met. you know? [ laughter ] i would tell them, hey, for the last four or five years i've been working on this film with richard linklater every year.
oh, cool, when does it come out? i'm like, oh, in about 7 or 8 years. [ laughter ] neat it's in -- career's going great dude. >> seth: i'm going to go get a drink at the bar. that's great though. that sounds awesome. [ laughter ] you guys are remaking "das clump." [ laughter ] the thing to me as well, which is stunning, is i felt my own age watching it. because in the beginning, coldplay "yellow," that's the first song? >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> seth: and the realization of how old that song is. oh, no, 18-year-olds were 5 when that song came out. >> i know, i know. >> seth: it's heart breaking to me. >> it still feels new to me. >> seth: it still new to me. that's when you realize you're old. you're like, "oh, right." >> heartbreaking, really. >> seth: was it weird? because you had to watch yourself age when you saw it. when you saw it you know, for 13 years. >> when the movie started i remember thinking wow, man, i still really look good. [ laughter ] and then by the end, it was like reality came crushing in. i sat there at sundance when we first showed it. nobody had seen it, nobody knew what it was about. and patricia arquette and i were sitting next to each other.
and we were like oh, isn't that sweet. they grow up and we age. [ laughter ] touching, you know? >> seth: you hit -- i mean, you obviously -- you and patricia were established actors at the point. but my god, you hit the jackpot with the two child actors. they're just outstanding. you had to put so much money on them being able to maintain this for so long. >> well one was a safer bet. loralei linklater plays my daughter. she's magical and amazing in the movie. but she's richard linklater's daughter. i had known her since she was born. so i felt pretty confident about her. but the real magic came in finding this 6-year-old boy who we cast and then 12 years later, he turned into james dean. if to you see the movie, this guy is a total stud. [ laughter ] and i've done interviews with him and i find myself oddly jealous of him. [ laughter ] why is everybody looking at this punk? [ laughter ] but he really is -- loralei, too, the both of them. the truth is that lorelei, because she was acting for her father and with me, who she
knew, she was extreamely confident. and i think that that confidence that she had, lent itself -- you know, kids are just naturally competitive. so, if lorelei did did something funny, then ellar wanted to do something funny. they pushed each other to do a better job. >> seth: they're great. you really believe they're brother and sister. they're outstanding together. >> it only took 12 years of rehearsal. [ laughter ] >> seth: exactly, anytime you can find 12 years to make a movie, gotta do it. you've been in so many iconic films over the years. i assume many have cult followings. is there one you get more attention for from people? or is it just spread out. >> i can kind of tell when people -- you watch into a restaurant, you can see when somebody recognizes you. and i've gotten to the point where i can kind tell what movie. there's the certain kind of studious type that wants to come up to me and talk about how brilliant "gattica" is. [ laughter ] how the prescient the futuristic architecture is. and then there's the woman who had a "reality bites" poster on her wall in college. that woman is easy to identify. [ laughter ]
there's "training day" fans, you know, who always want to punch me or something. [ laughter ] and then there's people who still haven't gotten over "dead poet's society." [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: who would get over it? >> they come up to you like carpe diem. you know? they think i'm going to stand on a desk. who knows. >> seth: well, this will join the pantheon. this is such an incredible movie. >> thank you. >> seth: congratulations once again. ethan hawke, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] "boyhood" is playing in theatres nationwide. you really have to see it. we'll be right back with megyn kelly. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.d everybody knows that. well, did you know pinocchio was a bad motivational speaker? i look around this room and i see nothing but untapped potential. you have potential.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night" everyone. our next guest started her career as a lawyer before becoming a broadcaster and journalist. she's now the anchor of "the kelly file" which airs weeknights on fox news. please welcome megyn kelly. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: so lovely to see you again. >> it's so great to be here. thanks for having me. >> seth: welcome. we -- the first time we met was at the "time 100." >> right. >> seth: we were sitting at the same table. >> correct. >> seth: and it's a wonderful night where, you know, it's such an honor to be on the "time 100."
i think we agree with that. >> yes. >> seth: but we both had to work that night. i had to tell jokes, you had to present someone. and it made it -- it was stressful for us. >> it was like we had to sing for our supper. >> seth: we really did. >> like, welcome but there's some bad news. >> seth: yes. >> and when they made us leave through the service entrance it was really like, the final -- [ laughter ] >> seth: now that you've actually had to do work, we feel like you should leave this way. >> right. [ laughter ] >> seth: and the other thing we found out that we have in common that night was that you were a "game of thrones" fan. [ cheers and applause ] >> big time. >> seth: lot of "game of thrones" fans here. >> but i'm willing to bet none of them share the way you watch "game of thrones." you have a very unique approach. >> i totally disagee with you. i bet a lot of ladies can relate to this. i love "game of thrones" but i hate violence. so i watch most of the episodes like this. [ laughter ] i've seen -- i've actually seen very little of the series. [ laughter ] >> seth: i would think that's like saying i love the alphabet but i'm not crazy about consonants. [ laughter ] >> i watch with my husband. and so, you know, you can kind of tell when it's coming. >> seth: yeah. >> you know, like, red wedding. >> seth: right. >> so it was like this and like this. i look at my husband and he's like rob stark is no longer with us. [ laughter ] and neither is his mother.
it's kind of like that. so i stay up to speed. >> seth: they are living on a farm. and they're very happy now. >> be quiet. because my children are going to watch this, and we've already used that. [ laughter ] >> seth: oh, i'm sorry. >> it's a great farm, and everyone is very happy. everything is lovely. >> seth: your husband, who i met, he's an author. >> yes. >> seth: and he has a new book coming out? >> he does. he does. it's called "the means." and in fact, it mentions ethan hawke. >> seth: oh really? >> yes. >> seth: that's exciting. that's a tie-in. that's what we call a tie-in in the business. [ laughter ] >> you have to buy it to find out what he said. >> seth: yeah, to find about what he said about ethan hawke. but you, there's a character that resembles you. >> sort of. it's a journalist who used to be a lawyer. who turned into a broadcast journalist. who's on the trail of an explosive story that could upend a presidential race. >> seth: got it. and is it weird? because if it's only sort of based on you do people think other parts of the character are also based on you? >> well what's strange is, that one comes out in september, but he already wrote another novel called "ghost of manhattan" and there are a couple of racy scenes in there. >> seth: gotcha. >> so people will say is that based on you guys? [ laughter ] that's what my husband actually writes about, our private lives
in his books. >> seth: all i do is talk about it on tv. so, he and i have a lot in common. [ laughter ] i was saying, on your show, you should use your show to just talk about him. you have one. you have a platform. >> i do. and lately i've been talking about what hell i've been through over the past four weeks because he sprained his ankle. he's on crutches, tore some ligaments and stuff. i'm like please. you're walking around like it was a femur. it was an ankle. [ laughter ] but he's completely laid up. we have three kids under the age of 5. so it's practically to the point where he's ringing a little bell. you have to play hurt? get up. the baby needs help. >> seth: poor guy. >> so every night i'm out there railing on the poor thing. >> seth: that's good. that's good. >> and people look at him like "oh, so sorry." sorry for him? please! my fellow mothers out there know, feel sorry for me! man down in the family. [ laughter ] >> seth: you recently, vice president cheney or ex-vice president cheney, he's no longerer for those who don't know. [ laughter ] he wrote an op-ed criticizing
president obama for the way he handled iraq. and you had him on the show, and you sort of grilled him and called him to task about the things that he was wrong about with iraq. and, i have to ask, was that terrifying? is it terrifying to call out dick cheney? >> not at all, no. >> seth: that's great. [ cheers and applause ] >> that is what i do for a living. >> seth: right. >> it got a lot of attention. and it was interesting, because he went on -- he, liz cheney and lynne cheney went on a political round table afterwards and mike allen said, you know, megyn kelly at fox news, no enemy to you called you out in this fashion. and mrs. cheney said of course she did. she said that's what journalists are expected to do. and i really appreciated her saying it. i said on the own show, i'm not an enemy of dick cheney. and i'm not a friend of dick cheney. i'm a journalist who has to ask tough questions. and he came in and answered them. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: you describe yourself as a fair, down the middle journalist.
you're between, your show is on between two, i would describe as very conservative, journalists. you're on after bill o'reilly, you're on before sean hannity -- >> o'reilly hates that label. he, i think he's more of a populist. >> seth: he hates a lot of stuff, yeah. [ laughter and applause ] >> he does. he does. my dream is that someday i'll be number one, and not him and he'll write a book called "killing megyn." [ laughter ] >> seth: there you go, that'd be very nice. >> actually he and i are good friends. but yes, he does opionon and sean does opinion. >> seth: is it hard on fox news to convince people or make people believe this idea that you are sort of down the middle journalist? >> no. i mean, i think they know. they watch the show. i do a news analyst show in the evening. but i'm not out there like o'reilley calling for the troops to do x, y or z. or advising president obama on how he needs to behave. not my thing. but, we'll put pundits on who'll offer their opinions. and for me, they still use me in a straight news capacity. and i enjoy that. i look doing the presidential debates. i like going out there on election night. that's the big thrill. >> seth: well, thank you so much. i hope you come back again. it's wonderful to have you here. >> thank you very much. thanks for having me. >> seth: megyn kelly everyone. "the kelly file" airs weeknights
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: welcome back to "late night." our next guest is an emmy award-winning writer for "saturday night live" and one of the funniest people on the planet. beginning august 4th, you can hear her as the voice of gadget gal when the animated series "the awesomes" returns for its second season, exclusively on hulu. let's take a look. >> kim, both of your parents were assasins. there are people who would do anything to get them to come out of hiding. >> like kidnap you and chop of your ear and mail it to them. next time it will be his heart, they'll say. >> that's little extreme. >> all six of you are coming with me? >> actually seven. nope, six. i did gadget gal twice. >> many have. >> seth: please welcome my good friend paula pell. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
>> hi seth! >> seth: hello. i don't know -- >> i love your studio. >> seth: thank you, so much. thank you, so nice, so wonderful to have you here. this is a dream come true. >> isn't he doing a great job everybody? [ cheers and applause ] i just wanna say that i have never been a guest on a talk show. i've been around television for many years, but i have never actually been a guest. i don't know if i'm that important. i'm very happy to be here and i'm a little nervous. but today i get a little shaky. >> seth: uhm, that makes it even harder to tell you, your bra is on the outside. [ laughter ] it happens to everybody. it happens to people all the time. >> it's pretty clean. >> seth: you don't have to feel bad about that. you don't have to feel bad about that. >> they can blur out my high beams, can't they? >> seth: yes, if you get high beams, they can just blur them. >> 'cause it's it's cold in here. >> seth: it is cold in here. >> so, everyone watch and learn
how the female body works. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: tonight will be your education. you -- >> don't slow it down in the rewrite. [ laughter ] >> seth: uh, we, i owe you so many thanks. the voice of gadget gal. you get to play an old woman. an old super hero. -- >> i play an old woman. i play a 52-year-old and i'm 51. >> seth: where did you get the voice? >> the voice is from my bestest, bestest new york city friend who used to live across from us named elanora orringer. and she is to the great beyond now, but she used to get -- she was a big animal person. she would get on the phone and get good or bad news from the vet and she would say yes, i'm checking on his test. yes. yes. uh-huh. uh-huh. oh, thank you, doctor. mhmm, mhmm, mhmm -- [ laughter and applause ] she used to do a big dance, she
was just. she was, ruth gordon from "harold and maude" and she was the love of my life. she was a wonderful lady. but she's hopefully watching up or down, i don't know, i didn't know that much about her. [ laughter ] >> seth: who are you to judge? you have been a writer at snl since 1995. >> i have. >> seth: i -- no one could possibly know the scope of the characters you've written on the show, but will you please share with everyone some of the things you created? >> well, i was part of cheer leaders and debbie downer. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you. tony bennett. i wrote the -- because i'm the hippest, youngest one on the show. i did the justin timberlake omeletville, bring it on down to omeletville. [ cheers and appluase ] >> seth: bobby and marty? >> bobby and marty. and yeah, i'm pretty -- hip. >> seth: yeah, you're a hip lady. [ laughter ] and you, you known as a writer but also were a performer. recent years you were on "30 rock."
you played tammy zero on "parks and rec." >> i did, i played nick offerman's very crazy, dust bowl mother who was terrifying looking. and also on "30 rock", i was pete hornburger's wife. i had very disturbing sex with him. every time they called me and said you were going to be on the show. i was like what position, and what am i bent over on this one? and am i asleep? because one time i was asleep. and just apnea snoring while he was -- [ laughter ] >> seth: i just drove out to see you. you're doing a movie, you wrote a script for a movie starring amy and tina. dratch is in it. >> rachel, bobby moynihan. kate mckinnon, john leguizamo, james brolin, diane wiest. >> seth: that's so great. >> it's such fun. it's just the thrill of my life. >> seth: and it's about, it's sort of based on your life. >> it's based on my life, my sister and i both had diaries. this will be hard for you to figure out, but she was a tall stone cold 70s fox who had the
boys chasing after her. like pepe le pew. just like floating behind her. and i looked like a 50 year old polish farm wife. i was really sturdy. >> seth: here we go we have a visual. >> yeah just those on the little things on your chairs, who got laid in high school? [laughter] the one with the brown braces, that looks like she had meat in her teeth? [ laughter ] or this one who looks like she's mid-orgasm? [ laughter ] yeah. yeah. so the journals, hers would be like "oh, my god, i was supposed to go camping with mom and dad and paula but i was making out with bill and oh, my god, i spent the night with him. and p.s. i might be pregnant." and mine was like, "i changed the grid on my rock tumbler today. and the amythst is going to make a nice hat pin, or a cat pin." so it's based on two ladies in their 40s. early 40s.
early 40s, seth. [ laughter ] you're getting in so much trouble right now. no like, 42-year-olds that -- >> seth: wait amy and tina can't play women in their early 40s! >> absolutly, they're 30 -- thirty-twelve. [ laughter ] uhm, but ladies in their -- at 40. in their 40s, 40. >> seth: just turned 40. the day after their birthday. [ laughter ] >> you know when you get sleepy when you're having a panic attack? [ cheers and applause ] thank you. so, it's about their parents telling them very last minute that they're selling their childhood home and it's all packed up already, and they need to come out and clean out their bedrooms which are filled with 80s, their glory days 80s bedroom they shared. and so, they go home for the weekend, get a little ticked off about it and they end up having a fantastic high school party with their friends who are also
in their thirty-twelves. [ laughter ] >> seth: you on other project of yours that i have to talk about, you and james anderson, who, also an snl writer, and a college friend of yours. >> yes, he was my roommate all through college. he's written pretty much everything kristen wigg's has done. >> seth: incredible writer. [ applause ] >> incredible human and writer. >> seth: you had a series. web series called "hudson valley ballers." >> yes, uh, we developed it this year created it with our friend michelle lawler who also shot it, and we shot it up at my house in hudson valley and we had so much fun. and it's on above average on youtube with broadway videos. >> seth: i just want to show a clip really quick. of one of my favorite things you did, in "hudson valley ballers" which is called the truth basset, which i think explains itself. >> yes, and it's my actual dog. >> seth: but it's basically like when you hold this dog you have to tell the truth. >> i'm just going to say this because i'm holding the bassett.
your bottom teeth are, like, two shades darker than your top teeth. [ laughter ] >> if you use any more botox, you're going to look like a cpr dummy. [laughter] your turn. >> i accidentally saw you taking a shower one day and your bush goes all the way around. >> sometimes your language doesn't reflect your education. [ laughter ] >> give him. >> paula, your titties stink. [ laughter ] they have an odor. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: paula pell, everybody! check out the season two premier of "the awesomes" monday august 4th, "hudson valley ballers" on above average. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
♪ >> carson: hey, what's happening? i'm carson. this is evr, and it is time for a little "last call." thanks for being here. coming up, lots of music's going to hit your screen, including a couple performances from k.flay. but first, "doll & em" is a new hbo medy series created by, and staring, real-life best friends, emily mortimer and dolly wells. tonight, we're going to sit down with one half of the duo. you know emily mortimer from "newsroom," "hugo," and "lars and the real girl." and right now you can see her in the "last call spotlight." from 1 oak, take a look. >> dolly was really naughty. she was always the naughty one, and i was quite a sort of good girl, and i would always be guaranteed to get into a bit of trouble if i went to dolly's